The Prickly Path of Giving Advice to Children

As parents, shouldn’t we guide our children through life, helping them avoid some of the mistakes we made along the way? The answer to that is not always a resounding yes, and when they ask for advice, you should proceed with caution.

There are certain pieces of advice that are universally sound helpful hints. Here are a few I have offered my children.

• Be money savvy. Always insure you are financially independent because relying on someone else for money can feel like a prison.

• Self-care is essential for your health and happiness as well as for your ability to function well in all aspects of your life and in your ability to care for others. It is not selfish or a luxury.

• Mental health is as important as your physical wellbeing. Reach out to loved ones or professionals when you need help.

• Be transparent. Trying to be something you are not is exhausting. We are all a little messy and you might help someone else by revealing your imperfections.  

• Positivity is powerful.

• Be kind. There is a lot of hurt in the world. Kindness eases the pain.

• All of that advice is something I would offer anyone, but when your children ask for more personal advice about specifics in their lives it can be a prickly path, and I would suggest you follow these steps.

  
  

1.      Listen carefully to your child’s request for advice without interrupting and without offering any judgment.

2.      When your child has finished, ask questions for understanding. It’s a technique called empathetic questioning where you repeat what a person has said but in the form of a question. An example would be if my daughter said, “I’m so angry at my stepson right now. How should I discipline him?” I can say, “So, you are feeling angry and want to find the right way to discipline him?” Now, you might ask how repeating the same thing can help, but most of the time when someone asks for personal advice, they don’t want you to solve the problem, they want to talk it out, and asking empathetic questions allows them to talk it out of their system, allowing them to see the situation without the emotion. I would then ask, “What do you think you should do?”  Allow your child to form her own decision. We are here to guide them not to control their every move.

3.      If your child asks again, “What should I do?” Take a deep breath and offer several options she might try. Don’t pinpoint one action because it might come back to bite you.

If your children ask you to make a decision about a relationship they are in I would advise you to change the subject because you cannot win. Of course, if the relationship is abusive in any way, help your child to leave, but the emotions run high in these situations, so like before, let your child talk it out and reach her own decisions.

I hope this helps. Parenting never ends. It remains a glorious, complicated adventure and we learn as we go. Good luck!!