Did you read all the books about parenting when you were expecting? I did, and I thought I was prepared for anything and then the chaos of real life named Jessica happened and I realized I was prepared for nothing. I have apologized to Jessica several times for having to be my first attempt at parenting, and I am thankful she survived.
Since Jessica survived her first three years, we decided to have another. Our son Tyler was born, and we were faced with a medical emergency because he had an AVM, (a bleeding vessel on the brain) He had a brain operation at a week old and is now a thriving 34 year old.
I had a third child at 43. Kaitlyn is a light who also gave us a medical scare at 18 months with an epileptic seizure. She was diagnosed with childhood epilepsy.
During our time in the hospital, I discovered from my sister that I had childhood epilepsy as well. I asked the question again, “Why did know one tell me this?” Our family has been quiet about some key medical history facts.
I now have a three-year-old Grandson, and I will tell you that being a grandparent is a whole different type of parenting because I have to respect my child’s wishes, keep advice to myself except when asked for it, and do my best to remember parenting from years ago.
My parenting until this moment has taught me many lessons I would love to share with you.
· Filter the advice. When you first give birth there are many emotions including fear, fatigue, and a general sense of feeling overwhelmed. You will find especially in the beginning that everyone wants to give you advice. Some of it will be good, but some will not. When my oldest daughter gave birth, she was worried about breast feeding. A friend said her breast was engorged and if Jess didn’t pump out the extra she would have to go back to the hospital. Thankfully, I remembered that your breasts have perfect memories, (mammeries have memories!) and I told her that her breasts would produce what she had needed the day before.
· All your children have a unique identity. I have always been amazed how different three children can be even when they were raised in the same house. Embrace the identity that is the heart of each child. Give each child space to be who fits that identity. Especially, do not try to make your child a carbon copy of you. I have a friend who wanted her son to be an athlete. She made him go to football and lacrosse and he would come home crying because his passion was in theater.
· The failures and triumphs both make great memories. You will struggle to see the failures as positives when they happen, but they can teach you valuable lessons, and you have family stories to tell.
· There will be tough days but see the blessings not the burdens. Parenting can be tough, but your children will be grown before you know it, so enjoy the moments when they need you and think you are cool.
· Document all the memories. Take a million pictures, find a box to store all their artwork, and keep a journal documenting the special moments.
· Comparing yourself to other parents is wasted energy. You will never be perfect and that’s okay. Laugh when you mess up and do something different. Be transparent about struggles because that will help other parents with the same struggles, and they might have some good advice.
· Your child wants your time. Even more than the newest toy, your child wants you. Show up for games, performances, and spend time together.
· Be your child’s advocate. My finest moment as a parent was standing up to a teacher who called my daughter a liar. My daughter was going to a special class to improve her reading, and she would come home and tell me the teacher had screamed at them. The first time I said that maybe the teacher had a bad day but screaming was never okay. There were two more days like that and then I had enough when she told me the teacher called her a liar. I called her regular teacher who told me there were some parent complaints. I called some parents who told me some disturbing things, so I called her teacher and asked her to take her out of that class. I had to write a letter to the principal and then we had a meeting with the principal, her regular teacher, the special teacher, my husband and myself. The special teacher tried to bully me into keeping her in the class. (funding) I stayed calm and then unleashed with what I thought of her teaching methods. When we went outside, I asked my husband if I had said the right things. He looked at me with awe and said, “You were wonderful!” lol, 40 years of teaching came in handy.
· Parenting does not stop at 18. When your child becomes an adult, he will still need you. The parenting will evolve, but you will always be a parent, and around 23, they will realize you are wise.
· Don’t give your child everything. We want our child to be happy, but there is nothing wrong with making them work for it so they see the worth in it. Giving them everything they want will produce spoiled children.
· Teach your children that actions have consequences. This is an important life lesson. Teaching them what they do is going to produce consequences. This can be a moment of tough lough, but it will yield huge results.
· Be the model for your child. My children have thanked us several times when they have seen parents who made unfortunate choices. You don’t have to be perfect, but do your best to be good humans.
· Show love even when it is difficult. Your child will not always be perfect. There will be times when you want to unleash the fury. Instead of saying things you might regret, ask questions to understand and teach some lessons.
· Be vigilant. Check social media, monitor the phone, and know where they are. The world is too crazy with too many dangerous possibilities. Keep them safe!
· Listen carefully. We are so busy that it is easy to not focus on what they are saying. Anxiety and depression throw up red flags and you should offer help when they show up.
Good luck on this crazy ride called parenting. Reach out to me with questions on my blog at www.jenniferswriting.org .
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